Wed., July 4, 2018
It’s amazing how much can change in the span of one year.
One year ago…I remember this exact night so clearly…I remember sitting on the floor of the semi-dark guest room at my aunty’s place as my friend was sleeping in the bed. Although it was almost 2:00 in the morning, I couldn’t sleep. My thoughts kept running back to you. Then I remembered purchasing a bunch of stationary, including a journal. And so, in the glow of the single lamp in the room, I began to write out a letter to you. I had wanted to document myself getting over the heartache. I wanted to document myself getting over the loss of someone whom at one point in time I had imagined marrying someday. I never planned on giving the journal to you, though. I just wanted someplace to get the thoughts and pain out of my head and chest. It was my beacon of comfort when I felt so alone with my emotions.
As the year went by, I wrote letter after letter every time I had even the slightest urge to talk to you…to message you…to hear your voice…anything relating to you. These letters used to be written daily, most of them in the wee hours of the night. I would talk about my day. I would question what you were doing. I would write down things I missed about spending time with you. All my emotions would be poured into the pages of this journal – sadness, anger, confusion, longing. As I kept writing these letters, I continued to wonder day after day if I would ever get over you. The thing that had baffled my mind for the longest time was the fact that you weren’t a bad person. And no matter what my friends would tell me (and still remind me) every time I would go to them for advice, that thought will always remain in my mind. Even though the relationship dragged out longer than it should…even though we ended up not seeing each other in the brightest of lights…you weren’t a bad person. It was just time for us to begin new, separate chapters of our lives.
And then I finally got my wake-up call. I had decided to put myself first and foremost in my life. In order to improve myself, I needed to initiate that spark. And so, I began to truly live my life. I began talking to friends and people who I haven’t spoken to in the longest time. I started hanging out with friends – whether it was going to different restaurants, chilling at the beach, or just sitting in the parking lot outside my house to talk. I began volunteering at Mayor Wright Housing at the Family Libraries before you messaged me about the tutoring job (thank you for that, by the way), where I currently do both. The more I worked with the students, the less I focused all my thoughts on you. Around the time I began working/volunteering, I decided to finally get my neck checked from the car accident we were in, and from there I began doing physical therapy (and man, I now understand why people work out after going through a breakup!). I even started going on some dates! (online dating, but still something…plus, the guys I “dated” were surprisingly really nice people)
My life went on, and soon, those letters to you began to become more sparse. I would (and still) only write them if/when I really have the urge to talk to you, and for the most part, they are written in a more positive tone than when I first began writing to you. As I reflect upon this period of time, I cannot help but feel so grateful for recovering and growing from the heartache in a smooth manner. Yes, sometimes the thought of you pops up in my mind, but now, I reminisce with a kind fondness rather than breaking down into tears. You’re not the one I want to be with anymore, and that is fine. I’m not even sure if I even want to consider you as a friend anymore, and that is also fine. I am living and thriving without you in the picture anymore, and that, in itself, is a miracle.
As I conclude this letter to you, I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being my second chance at love after feeling like I had screwed up my “only chance” at love during my first relationship. Thank you for all of the laughter that was shared between us, whether it was through jokes, life stories, or “beautiful” singing. Thank you for loving me with all your heart when we were together, and thank you for allowing me to love you the same way. Thank you for always being there for me whenever I had needed you – a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a late-night Munchie Meal buddy, a tall person to pick lauhala and kukui leaves, and everything in between – and thank you for being there long after you didn’t need to be. Thank you for always being understanding of me even through the most difficult moments.
Thank you for being you.
Things may have ended between us, but because of you – both during the relationship and my recovering from the breakup – I still believe that I will fall in love again someday. It may not be now…but definitely when I least expect it.
Mahalo e kuʻu “Crat Cray”.
Me ke aloha,