I am not okay.
For a while, I’ve been feeling like I’m in a slump. Constantly doing the same thing over and over again with no sign of anything getting better. Constantly comparing myself to those around me, all the while jealousy gradually building within the chambers of my chest.
I feel stuck, and I don’t know what to do anymore.
When will my life finally begin? When will things finally go my way? Why can’t I have that “happily ever after” that I’ve been longing so much for ever since the tragedies of 2016-2017?
The inner demons within me keep spewing words of hatred through my mind – You’re worthless. You’re not going to be successful. You’ll never be worthy of anything. As I continue on with my daily life, I cannot help but give in to those thoughts. I feel helpless. I feel lifeless. The insecurity and anxiety continues to overcome me, and I am thoroughly frightened at the state of being I’ve become. I’ve began isolating myself from almost everyone again. I’ve began losing sight of the ambitions and goals I have made at the beginning of the year. I’ve had no motivation to do anything (including writing in this blog). I feel like I’m just going through the motions of my life and not fully embracing each moment.
And then I’ve realized something.
Every time I am not feeling 100% fine, I let those emotions continue to eat at me. While I do that, I bottle those emotions deep inside me as I pretend everything is fine. I’ve realized over time that I’ve built this into some sort of stigma about myself. Being happy is deemed as acceptable. Being anything else besides happy? Unacceptable.
In order for my life to finally begin, I first need to stop resisting these emotions and start embracing them as something that is normal. in order to initiate change, I need to first embrace all the ugly – the imperfections, the anxiety, the insecurities, and everything in between – and utilize that into bettering myself.
Stop resisting. Start embracing.
I am not okay, and that is okay.