Being honest with you – and myself

I have a confession to make.

Remember in either my first or second post where I had stated I started this blog on a “spur of the moment” action? Well…I wasn’t 100% honest with you there. Yes, it was a spur of the moment thing on my end…but that wasn’t the entire reason why I began this blog.

When typing out my first post, I had stated I wanted to be completely honest with you in my posts. If I want to inspire people – if I want to touch at least one person’s life, even if it’s just my own heart – I want to be completely honest with you all from the beginning.

The reason why I began this blog is because I felt so alone. Whenever I feel upset or emotionally distraught, I don’t know who to depend on. I have no one to turn to. Well…actually, I take that statement back. It’s not that I don’t have people to turn to. I think it’s the fact that I don’t know who to turn to anymore whenever I need someone to talk to.

I constantly feel like I’m a bother to everyone.

I’m not sure if I can call that a phobia, but that’s the best term I can think of in this exact moment in time. I don’t know exactly how to explain this feeling since I’ve never actually explained this out loud before, nonetheless via a computer screen. All I know is this is the reason why I don’t initiate conversations with people or talk to the majority of my friends whenever I’m feeling anything else besides happy (or honestly just talk to people in general).

Maybe it’s because I feel everyone is busy doing more important things in life to want to talk to someone as lowly as myself? Maybe it’s because I’m too lame of a person to be included in people’s lives to feel comfortable enough to talk to people about my feelings? Maybe it’s because I’m so used to putting on a brave, happy face whenever I’m not feeling okay just so that people wouldn’t notice? Maybe I just feel my problems and issues are not as serious or important to deal with or to be noticed?

Maybe it’s a mixture of all these things? Or maybe it’s just because I don’t want to bother people in general?

All I know is I feel so alone with all of my emotions roaring in me like a hurricane, but at the same time, it’s easier to just play off my emotions and feelings.

If anything, I’ve only been talking to maybe two people whenever I need someone to talk to, but that’s only because they know of this “phobia” of mine and reassure me that I’m not a bother. They’re the only ones I feel comfortable with, but at the same time, the constant thought of me being a bother lingers in my mind. So many times, I’ve decided not to talk to the ones I’m extremely comfortable with in fear they’d get too fed up with me and push me away.

This is where this blog comes in play.

For some reason, I feel more comfortable sharing about myself to you – the readers of these posts. Even if I don’t know the majority of you, it feels comforting getting some of the pain off my chest that I have been holding inside of me for so many years. You may not know who I am, but just knowing that people (or even just one person) are (metaphorically) there to listen to my emotions and what I have to say makes me feel a little better.

For those who know me who will read this (via Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram), this is why I don’t really speak to any of you. I guess I’m just afraid you’d reject me. I feel unworthy of love or attention from you, even if that’s the complete opposite of how you feel for me. I’m just scared. I guess I constantly need reassurance if/when I do actually have conversations with you, especially via the social media/texting world. If you do want to talk to me…please, please, please don’t be afraid to do so! I’d most definitely appreciate it, I promise you! However, I will promise to try to initiate conversations at times. It will be difficult, but this is something I really need to push through.

So…that’s it. That’s why I began this blog. It may be a ridiculous reason, but it’s the truth. And honestly? I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest just sharing this part of myself with you all. So for that, thank you.

Me ke aloha,
Mauri